Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Top 9 ways to take your Job down in ashes

(Why 9? I couldn’t think of 10)

9.Follow a crush across the country and look for work in his town.

Hey, never leave the possibility of true love on the table. Even if you have to hide under his table, or in his bushes, or club him over the head to get it.

8. Accept a job you know you’ll eventually hate.

Don’t confuse the impulse to vomit on your way to work that first morning with first-day jitters…or pregnancy. If your gut tells you something’s not right about your decision, RUN!

7. Just as the employment deal is being sealed, announce you’re an actor and need flexibility to attend auditions.

To bosses (even t.v. executives) actors might as well be carriers of the monkey virus. Keep that tidbit to yourself and enlist the next no-no on the list which is….

6. Take a “Mental Day” or two…or twelve over the course of a year.

Work is stressful- especially when you’re trying to duck out of it. Take a mental day and don’t miss that recital, golf game, US Open Final or…audition.

5. Dare to be less wrinkled and more “bubbly” than your tenured female co-anchor.

Before there was the Real Housewives... there was The Real News Anchors. Female anchors are catty. Especially aging female anchors. Stay out of the path of her 10,000 watt stage light and she’ll be fine.

4. Request every major holiday off at the last minute and claim “but I already bought my ticket!”

Bosses usually back off on this one if they know you’ve spent all of your paltry paycheck on a plane ticket.

3. Sleep with an unpopular coworker the first week on the job .

Week One you bedded down with Mr. Chatty, Smiley, Laid -Back coworker. After a month you realized he’s actually gossipy, two-faced and lazy. Unless you like being the topic of work gossip keep it moving.

2. Spill drinks on the boss and blame it on the “new medication”

Whether at the office holiday party or serving Mr. Reise, the owner of the Reise empire of restaurants in NYC, spilling drinks is a one-way ticket to job purgatory.

1. In the morning meeting respond to coworkers’ ideas with “That’s So Racist.”

White Guilt hit a sharp decline after the election of Pres. Obama. However, according to, uh, the Internet White Statistics Foundation, white people everywhere are still capable of being guilted by accusations of being called “racist.” Thankfully they have “The Help” as a means of diffuse that guilt.